Elena Rivera, Sochee Mala — Elena Rivera's got this interesting tattoo on her right shoulder that does magic tricks. Now you see it, now you don't. Which presents a dilemma for boyfriends who have sworn they banged her the night before in some cheap ghetto motel, only on the next date to question their eyesight and relative sanity. Elena also finds it a very useful useful device for stickups and the inevitable police lineup. "She looks just like the girl who jacked up the gringo in the parking lot, officer. But that girl had a tattoo!" See? You can get away with all kinds of murder, have fun and make a good living in the process. Unfortunately, Elena will never let on where she got her artwork.

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Carmella Santiago — A friend once told Carmella Santiago that with a name like hers she could become a successful traffic reporter on a local LA television station. Carmella thought about it for all of two seconds. Especially after she was told she'd have to work out of a helicopter and not the back seat of a '64 Chevy Impala convertible. Comfort's where your ass normally is, Carmella feels. And so she turned the job down. On the bright side of things, Carmella later met a new guy who actually owns a house. She was sad to let Ernesto and the Chevy go, but at least Carmella's now got a place to wash her ass after having sex.

Monica Raiders — No relation to the Oakland football team of the same name, waifish Monica has long had this urge to decorate her living room with a life size goal post. But to find a guy crazy enough, macho enough and strong enough to help her along with her grand scheme was another thing. With one rejection after another, this tempestuous Latina eventually learned that sometimes a woman has just got to bury her head in a pillow, grit her teeth and say what the fuck. After that it was easy, albeit certain complications ensued. But, in the end, the city of Oakland decided not to press charges against Monica.

Silvana Ricci — Having wined and dined at every Taco Bell between here and Ensenada, Silvana Ricci now wants the finer things in life. She wants a car that starts, and a man who will actually pay for some of those meals. So we give Silvana a little tip for finding such a generous guy which included the suggestion that she start off by donating her panties to Goodwill. Silvana was hesitant at first. But once she discovered how good the cool morning air feels on her naked buttocks she was ready to entertain any and all ideas. Then we introduced her to our buddy Mendoza. He doesn't have a job, but he has a serviceable dick. We didn't tell Silvana that giving your panties away will make you smart.

Alana Leigh — We hear that Evan Stone's been getting his brains beat silly in professional wrestling these days. But Evan, perhaps in a rare moment of clarity, still has enough sense to stop and smell the roses of the south of the borderly fantastic Alana Leigh. Backwards or forwards, the sultry Alana's the kind of girl we want to find in our garden. We figure if we spread the manure just right, we'll grow to her liking too. Than we can give Evan a head butt, put him out of commission and have Alana all to ourselves. It's a very simple plan and might work.